How Much Should You Spend on Your Wedding?

It’s wedding season, folks!  With the onset of summer, the wedding bells have started to ring.  Over the next four weeks, my husband and I will be attending a wedding or wedding-related event on every weekend.  I imagine I’ll shed many happy tears, sip multiple glasses of champagne, and hear every rendition of “Canon in D.” And, I’m hoping we get to dance to “Gangnam Style” a few times, as well.   

As I look forward to these weddings, I also think back to our own wedding last fall.  When Mr. W. and I started planning our nuptials, we already had the basics figured out.  We knew we wanted to be married in his childhood parish, and we knew that we wanted a September or October wedding date.  The big question was “How much should we spend on this shindig?”  It wasn’t an easy question to answer.  (See what Tina, Jordann and Michelle have to say about the subject).  We had heard the statistics and they were a bit daunting.  We knew that the national average in the U.S. was reported to be $27,000-$29,000*.  We also knew that the average where we lived, Northern New Jersey, was significantly higher (check out that graphic below). 

Infographic source: http://blog.theknot.com/2013/03/11/25-most-expensive-places-to-marry/

 
These statistics weren’t especially helpful in determining how much we should spend on our own wedding.  I wish there were some formula that said, “a wedding should cost x% of the couple’s combined salary.”  But the equation wouldn’t be that simple.  There are too many other factors to consider.  Weddings – and wedding budgets – will never be a one-size-fits-all kind of thing.  It doesn’t matter what everyone else spends because the only ones getting married on your wedding day are you and your spouse-to-be.    

 

For us, there were several questions that we considered when determining our wedding budget

1.       How much can we afford? This was the primary question.  We never considered going into debt or depleting our savings accounts for the wedding.  This was a non-negotiable decision for each of us.  Before we were engaged, Mr. W. and I had a good sense of each other’s financial positions.  We knew each other’s salaries and had a rough idea – within $1,000 – of how much the other person had in his/her bank accounts.  When we started planning the wedding, we had more detailed discussions regarding our combined assets as well as our regular monthly expenses.  This helped us to create a very accurate projection of how much we could comfortably afford to spend on our wedding.    

 

2.       What are our other financial goals?  When it comes to finances, Mr. W. and I are both risk averse.  We want to have a sizable nest egg at all times in case of emergencies or job loss.  When planning our wedding budget, we asked, “How much do we want to have left in our savings account(s) after we’ve paid for our wedding and honeymoon?”  We decided that $10,000-$12,000 was a reasonable amount (after getting married, we have since increased this to $25,000-$30,000).  In addition, we were planning to buy a car for Mr. W.  He had been driving an 18-year old vehicle that was rapidly becoming unfit for the road.  We would need to save enough to pay for the down payment on the car, again without diminishing the nest egg.  Finally, we knew that our 4-5 year goals included purchasing a modest starter home.   Given the high cost of housing in our area, we will need to save aggressively and consistently before owning a home can become a reality.  We agreed on a wedding budget that would not hinder or delay these other financial goals.      

 

3.       Will others be contributing to our wedding?  Both of our families were quite generous and provided significant monetary contributions towards our wedding.  Mr. W and I were extremely grateful and rather humbled by their generosity.  We almost felt guilty for accepting the money.  After all, we were grown adults.  Shouldn’t we pay for our own wedding?  Wasn’t this our responsibility as two individuals who had decided to start a life together?  Yes, we should be able to pay for our wedding.  And we were.  If our parents hadn’t contributed a single dime to our wedding, we still would have been able to foot the bill.  We may have trimmed the guest list, selected a less expensive venue, or delayed our honeymoon if we hadn’t had the additional financial support.  However, it was very important to our parents to contribute to our wedding, and something that they had planned for years.   Because we did not cover the entire cost ourselves, we were able to spend more on our wedding without compromising our other financial goals.  That’s not to say that we spent wastefully or carelessly after receiving money from our parents.  If anything, I think we were more careful with our wedding budget because our parents had contributed.  We would have been devastated if they felt that we had wasted their hard-earned money.    

 

4.       What aspects of the wedding are most important to us and our family? Our primary goal on our wedding day, of course, was to finish the day as a married couple.  Other than that, we wanted our friends and family to enjoy the affair as much as possible.  Given that our families had been so generous, we felt it was important to honor their preferences and our respective cultural traditions.  In Mr. W’s family, love and gratitude are demonstrated through hospitality.  For our wedding, this meant that we wanted to offer our guests an abundance of food and drink to thank them for celebrating with us.  In my mother’s culture, the bride wears a white dress during the ceremony and changes into a red silk dress for the reception.  The red dress is often more elaborate than the white dress.  To honor my mother’s culture, I had a red dress custom-made from fabric that my grandmother purchased for me years ago.  I also had a second pair of shoes and a second set of accessories to coordinate with my red dress.  In addition, Mr. W. and I wanted our wedding to be as stress-free as possible for us, our bridal party, and our guests.  We chose a reception venue that was also a hotel, so that it would be convenient for our out-of-town guests.  Our venue was pricier than some of the other options we had considered, but our guests loved that they could simply walk to their rooms once the reception had ended.  There was no need for our guests to brave the hostile New Jersey driving conditions in the wee hours of the morning.  None of these expenses – food/drink, red dress, or fancy venue – were strictly mandatory.  However, they were important priorities to us so we created a budget that would allow us to accommodate these desires.

Once we had answered these four questions, it was much easier to determine an appropriate wedding budget.  To be completely honest, we spent a hefty sum on our wedding.  There is no sugar coating it: we had an expensive wedding.  And you know what?  We don’t regret it, or feel guilty, or worry that we squandered our money.  As I’ve said before, I believe that life is worth celebrating.  I would not be exaggerating to say that our wedding day was the happiest, most memorable day of my life thus far.  I don’t want to speak for Mr. W, but I imagine he feels the same.  It was the one and only occasion when all of our loved ones were in the same place, at the same time.  And they were all there because they wanted to support us as we started our life together.  That’s an extraordinary, remarkable feeling.  I imagine our wedding day will maintain this title of “best day yet” until the time when Mr. W. and I have our first child (assuming that’s in the cards for us).   

So, how much should you spend on your wedding?  As with most tough questions, there is no single “right” answer.  Having the wedding of your dreams may leave you with a priceless feeling.  However, your bank account(s) will be keenly aware of just how much the wedding truly cost.  Each couple will have to do what is right for them.  In my opinion, a couple should feel free to spend enough to truly celebrate the occasion in whatever manner they deem appropriate.  But – and this is a big “but” – I don’t think that anyone should go into debt for a wedding or spend more than they can comfortably afford.  A wedding is often the first major joint expense that a couple incurs, and I don’t think it would be wise to set a precedent for living beyond your means.  It’s simply not worth the financial insecurity. 

 
Friends, what are your thoughts on wedding budgets?  If you are married or engaged, how did you and your spouse determine how much to spend?

*Will Oremus of Slate.com argues that the reported average wedding cost may be misleading because of selection bias.  In addition, Mr. Oremus discovered that the median wedding cost in 2012 was $18,000 – more than a third lower than the reported average.  The median, rather than the average, more accurately represents actual wedding costs because it excludes the statistical outliers which would skew the average.

My Week as a Stay-At-Home Wife

My mother was a stay-at-home mom for twelve years while I was growing up. Prior to having children, she had been a civil engineer.  That was in the early 1980s, when the engineering field was even more male-dominated than it is now.  In fact, she was one of just two women in UCLA's engineering program when she graduated.  After I was born, she planned to return to her engineering career when her maternity leave was finished.  And then, her plans changed.  From what she tells me, she enjoyed being a mother so much that she decided to abandon her career and focus on being a full-time stay-at-home mom (apparently, I must have been a pretty adorable infant).  Once my youngest brother was in school, she returned to work on a part-time basis.  But she didn't return to civil engineering.  Instead, she worked at my brothers' elementary school for a few hours a day.  Essentially, she was always at home whenever we kids were home. 

I have always been intrigued, and a bit perplexed, by my mother's decision to leave her career in favor of motherhood.  I know that my brothers and I benefited enormously from her decision to be at home with us.  She was always available to help with homework and shuttle us to our various activities.  She served as a chaperone for class field trips, lead my Girl Scout troop, and sewed the most amazing Halloween costumes.  I doubt she would have had the time to do all those things if she had continued her engineering career.  I'll always be appreciative that she made family a priority.  But I also marvel at the sacrifice she made on our behalf.  In a similar situation, I'm not sure if I would make the same decision she did. 

Sometimes, I find myself questioning my mother's decision.  I wonder, "How was she able to give up a career that she worked so hard to build?  Did she/does she ever wish she could return to her engineering career?  Did she feel she had "done a disservice" to women by not seizing an opportunity to work in an industry where women were under-represented?  Did she have any regrets?"  I know it's unfair of me to judge my mother's decision to be a stay-at-home mom.  It was her decision to make, not mine.  And it probably sounds ungrateful that I would even consider criticizing a decision she made on behalf of our family.  Yes, the feminist in me believes that women ought to have the ability to work outside the home.  But, the feminist in me also believes that women have the right to occupy any role -- inside or outside the home -- that they choose. 

I envision myself as a career-oriented person.  I enjoy working and find it very satisfying.  I can't imagine not working outside the home.  Perhaps I will be better able to relate to my mother's decision if/when Mr. W and I have children of our own.  So far, I've never given serious consideration to being a housewife.  Apart from the fact that I enjoy my career, there are also financial reasons why being a homemaker does not seem feasible.  Given the high cost of living in our area, it's very likely that Mr. W. and I will both continue working once we have children.  But even if there were no financial obstacles, I still do not know if I would choose to stop working. 

Recently, I took a week-long "staycation" to use some of my vacation time from work.  Mr. W. doesn't have as much vacation time as I do, so he went to work as usual.  For a week, I got a taste of what it would be like to be a stay-at-home wife. 

I expected to have loads of free time during my staycation.  I expected to be bored.  But I actually managed to stay pretty busy. 

Much of my free time was taken up with mundane tasks.  I went to a dentist appointment, an optometrist appointment, and a car service appointment.  Boring stuff.  Sitting in my office chair is much better than sitting in my dentist's chair or enduring the glaucoma test (that burst of air is torturous!).  I tackled a bunch of errands and chores that are usually reserved for the weekend: grocery shopping, dry cleaning, laundry, filing paperwork, other cleaning things.  Again, boring stuff. 

But I also enjoyed lunch and a shopping trip with my mother-in-law.  I started and finished two novels.  I created homemade Mother's Day gifts.  I went to a farmer's market that is only open on Friday afternoons.  I went for very long walks.  I made several recipes that I've been meaning to try.  This part was quite nice. 

The best part of being home all day, however, was that it freed up the evenings and weekends so that Mr. W. and I could spend more time together.  On most weekdays, we get home from work around 8:00.  This makes it difficult to spend much quality time together during the week.  And since we don't have time during the week to take care of anything around the house, those tasks are relegated to the weekend.  Since I was home last week, we ate dinner at a reasonable time like 7:30, rather than 9:00. While I was on vacation, we were able to fully enjoy our weekends.  Rather than running errands, Mr. W. and I went on three double dates, hosted a Mother's Day brunch, and visited his family members.  If I were working, it would have been difficult to do all these things while also taking care of our normal weekend responsibilities. 

I still don't know whether I would choose to leave my career if given the option.  It would be a difficult decision involving more considerations than can be encompassed by a one-week experiment.  And I recognize that I only experienced the "stay-at-home wife" part; having children would completely change the picture.  But during the week I spent as a housewife, I certainly enjoyed the benefits of focusing exclusively on our marriage and our home. 

Newlywed Notes: "I Have to Live Here, Too!"

The scene: Mr. W. has been out of the apartment for most of the day, doing some freelance work.  He returns to find that I’ve decorated our home for Easter.  He likes the decorations, until he spots our kitchen chairs.  I’ve taken sparkly, polka-dotted, pastel ribbon and tied gigantic bows on the backs of each kitchen chair.  Adorable, right? 

He doesn’t seem to think so.  He rolls his eyes and says, “You know, I have to live here, too!”

Whoops.  That's right.  He's a strapping, 28-year-old male and he does live here.  I guess those ribbons do look a little like they belong in Barbie’s dream house. 

After Mr. W. and I were married, he moved into MY apartment.  It’s a lovely little space.  At 650 square feet, it isn’t large.  But what it lacks in space and storage, it more than makes up for in charm.  A benefit to old (ie, cheap) apartments is that they often have a lot of character.  The kitchen has a built in china cabinet.  The hardwood floors are edged in mahogany inlay.  Each room has a 10-foot ceiling.  It didn’t take me long to incorporate little touches to make it feel more like home.  By the time we were married, I had lived in the apartment for just over a year.  I definitely perceived the two-bedroom, 1-bath unit as being “mine.”     

Although we hadn’t lived together before the wedding, Mr. W. and I were quite familiar with each other’s habits and preferences.  I knew, for instance, that he tends to accumulate dirty cups -- but never dishes-- on his desk.   He is meticulous about rolling the toothpaste tube after each squeeze.   He prefers to wear shoes while inside.  He sleeps with about six dozen pillows.  In other words, I knew his daily routine.    After seven years of dating, I think this level of familiarity is inevitable. 

In turn, he knew that I have a much lower tolerance for clutter than he does.  He also knew that I don’t really care what the toothpaste tube looks like, so long as there is toothpaste inside.  I would wear slippers all the time if they weren’t so ugly.  I sleep with just two pillows, though I’ve always loved the decorative pillows that are NOT to be used for sleeping.    

All in all, I would say that the transition to living together has been fairly smooth.   Mr. W. contains his clutter to the spare bedroom so that I can simply close the door if it starts to bother me.  And I’ve stopped teasing him for his “pillow nest.” 

Every once in a while, though, we still discover little things that annoy each other.   For instance, if Mr. W. is sleeping and I turn on a light in the bedroom (even the really, really dim light all the way in the corner), he becomes quite grouchy.  You’d think I tried to rouse a hibernating bear.  Likewise, I start to seethe if I see dirty clothes strewn on the floor (hello, the hamper is right there!).   Once we’ve discovered each other’s irritants, we try not to repeat them. 

But, I can still do a better job remembering that the apartment is no longer mine alone.  Given that I am a Type-A control freak, relinquishing control over “my home” has not been easy for me.  But it’s also his home, and I need to allow him equal input when it comes to organizing, maintaining, and decorating the apartment.  Marriage is a partnership and our home needs to reflect that.   

By the way, he resigned himself to the sparkly chair-bows for one week.  They’ll be removed on Sunday night, as soon as we finish our Easter celebration.   

 

If you live with a spouse or significant other, what was the largest adjustment when you first started sharing spaces?

 

The Only Thing More Certain than Death and Taxes

...is having a bad driver's license picture.  Can anyone prove me wrong?  No?  Didn't think so. 

I've determined that everyone who gets a driver's license experiences the same reaction when they first see that holographic thumbnail image of themselves: "This can't be right.  Do I really look like that?  Something must be wrong with the camera." 

In my case, the license picture bears an uncanny resemblance to an American Girl doll.  Which is not quite as bad as looking like a zombie or a serial killer, but it's certainly undesirable when you're 27 and would like to be taken seriously. 

A few weeks ago, I got an aspirational hair cut.  You know, one of those styles that looks good on celebrities but never works in real life.  I had my hair cut like Anne Hathaway's character in The Devil Wears Prada.  I guess I thought that having blunt-cut bangs would make me look chic! sophisticated! edgy!  To be fair, my stylist did a really great job and I like the cut.  But I did not suddenly become super-elegant.  And there are moments when I look like an overgrown six-year-old.   My driver's license photo happens to be one such occurence. 

But the important thing is that I now have a new driver's license.  Never mind that it's been almost six months since I married Mr. W. 

I now have an official document identifying me as Mrs. J.W., and I couldn't be happier.