"Goals are dreams with deadlines" -- Diana Scharf

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

My Week as a Stay-At-Home Wife

My mother was a stay-at-home mom for twelve years while I was growing up. Prior to having children, she had been a civil engineer.  That was in the early 1980s, when the engineering field was even more male-dominated than it is now.  In fact, she was one of just two women in UCLA's engineering program when she graduated.  After I was born, she planned to return to her engineering career when her maternity leave was finished.  And then, her plans changed.  From what she tells me, she enjoyed being a mother so much that she decided to abandon her career and focus on being a full-time stay-at-home mom (apparently, I must have been a pretty adorable infant).  Once my youngest brother was in school, she returned to work on a part-time basis.  But she didn't return to civil engineering.  Instead, she worked at my brothers' elementary school for a few hours a day.  Essentially, she was always at home whenever we kids were home. 

I have always been intrigued, and a bit perplexed, by my mother's decision to leave her career in favor of motherhood.  I know that my brothers and I benefited enormously from her decision to be at home with us.  She was always available to help with homework and shuttle us to our various activities.  She served as a chaperone for class field trips, lead my Girl Scout troop, and sewed the most amazing Halloween costumes.  I doubt she would have had the time to do all those things if she had continued her engineering career.  I'll always be appreciative that she made family a priority.  But I also marvel at the sacrifice she made on our behalf.  In a similar situation, I'm not sure if I would make the same decision she did. 

Sometimes, I find myself questioning my mother's decision.  I wonder, "How was she able to give up a career that she worked so hard to build?  Did she/does she ever wish she could return to her engineering career?  Did she feel she had "done a disservice" to women by not seizing an opportunity to work in an industry where women were under-represented?  Did she have any regrets?"  I know it's unfair of me to judge my mother's decision to be a stay-at-home mom.  It was her decision to make, not mine.  And it probably sounds ungrateful that I would even consider criticizing a decision she made on behalf of our family.  Yes, the feminist in me believes that women ought to have the ability to work outside the home.  But, the feminist in me also believes that women have the right to occupy any role -- inside or outside the home -- that they choose. 

I envision myself as a career-oriented person.  I enjoy working and find it very satisfying.  I can't imagine not working outside the home.  Perhaps I will be better able to relate to my mother's decision if/when Mr. W and I have children of our own.  So far, I've never given serious consideration to being a housewife.  Apart from the fact that I enjoy my career, there are also financial reasons why being a homemaker does not seem feasible.  Given the high cost of living in our area, it's very likely that Mr. W. and I will both continue working once we have children.  But even if there were no financial obstacles, I still do not know if I would choose to stop working. 

Recently, I took a week-long "staycation" to use some of my vacation time from work.  Mr. W. doesn't have as much vacation time as I do, so he went to work as usual.  For a week, I got a taste of what it would be like to be a stay-at-home wife. 

I expected to have loads of free time during my staycation.  I expected to be bored.  But I actually managed to stay pretty busy. 

Much of my free time was taken up with mundane tasks.  I went to a dentist appointment, an optometrist appointment, and a car service appointment.  Boring stuff.  Sitting in my office chair is much better than sitting in my dentist's chair or enduring the glaucoma test (that burst of air is torturous!).  I tackled a bunch of errands and chores that are usually reserved for the weekend: grocery shopping, dry cleaning, laundry, filing paperwork, other cleaning things.  Again, boring stuff. 

But I also enjoyed lunch and a shopping trip with my mother-in-law.  I started and finished two novels.  I created homemade Mother's Day gifts.  I went to a farmer's market that is only open on Friday afternoons.  I went for very long walks.  I made several recipes that I've been meaning to try.  This part was quite nice. 

The best part of being home all day, however, was that it freed up the evenings and weekends so that Mr. W. and I could spend more time together.  On most weekdays, we get home from work around 8:00.  This makes it difficult to spend much quality time together during the week.  And since we don't have time during the week to take care of anything around the house, those tasks are relegated to the weekend.  Since I was home last week, we ate dinner at a reasonable time like 7:30, rather than 9:00. While I was on vacation, we were able to fully enjoy our weekends.  Rather than running errands, Mr. W. and I went on three double dates, hosted a Mother's Day brunch, and visited his family members.  If I were working, it would have been difficult to do all these things while also taking care of our normal weekend responsibilities. 

I still don't know whether I would choose to leave my career if given the option.  It would be a difficult decision involving more considerations than can be encompassed by a one-week experiment.  And I recognize that I only experienced the "stay-at-home wife" part; having children would completely change the picture.  But during the week I spent as a housewife, I certainly enjoyed the benefits of focusing exclusively on our marriage and our home. 

13 comments:

  1. I would like to be a stay at home wife/mom if our finances allow it. We wouldn't be struggling to survive if we were down to one income, but having two incomes will help us reach financial independence much faster. My ideal scenario is to do what your mom did, work part-time while the kids are in school so I can be available when they're home.

    I agree with what you say about being able to focus on your relationship since you get the household tasks out of the way during the day. I find grocery shopping on a weekday morning to be super relaxing because the store's not as crowded!

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    1. From what I've read on your blog, It sounds like you guys have done a great job of managing your finances so that you would be able to live on one income if needed. That's wonderful!

      And you are 100% correct re: grocery shopping on weekday mornings. I felt like I had the whole store to myself!

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  2. Honestly, this is a little bit of what I'm starting to experience now. I have been working 70 + hour weeks for as long as I remember, and I finally left my job to work from home starting May 1st. I'm still "working," but I'm just not leaving the house to do it. I'm also working only about 30 hours a week instead of what seemed like a million. The result is that I'm making homemade meals, enjoying more quality time with my children, and not feeling rushed. I haven't been happier in years.

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    1. It sounds like this has been, and will be, a great decision for your family, Holly! I know you've described yourself as a workaholic. I feel the same way, sometimes. And as much as I love my career, I fully understand that I can't keep coming home at 8:00 pm if/when I have kids. It just wouldn't be fair to them, to Mr.W, or to me. It's something we'll have to figure out before starting a family.

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  3. I'm in the same situation - I have a few weeks between school's end and internship's start, and so I'm at home right now while CB is at work. I am finding myself a little, er, a lot, bored. It's too hot to go outside, so I've been spending most of my time blogging, reading, or watching HGTV. Which is fun, up to a point. Next week I'll have doctors' appointments and maybe a couple of dance classes. I also don't want to spend too much money, which really limits what you can do during the day.

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    1. I completely understand your feeling that being at home was "fun, up to a point.". I'm sure it would have been different if there were kids to tale care of. But I was definitely ready to go back to work this week

      Like you, I was also trying not to spend too much money just because I had free time. I spent a portion of my discretionary money while shopping with my husband's mom...but I managed to keepy other expenses low. !

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  4. My wife is primarily stay-at-home but also runs her own counseling practice on weekends. She rents out an office for 4 hours each Saturday to see clients. She loves being at home with our son and doesn't have any plans to go back full-time any time soon. But having that professional piece really helps as well.

    I'm personally thrilled that she stays home just because it means our son, and any future children, get to be reared by her and not a child care center. There's nothing wrong with child care, but I think my wife is pretty awesome so I definitely prefer her to someone else. And I'll tell you this, being a stay-at-home-parent is no easy feat. Those little rugrats require pretty much constant attention and it's a real emotional and physical drain. There's no shame at all in staying home. In fact, I think it's probably more difficult in a lot of ways than many other jobs. And potentially more rewarding as well.

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    1. Matt, it's great that your wife is able to stay at home during the week and work For a dew hours on the weekends. That seems like re best of both worlds!

      And I think you bring up a great point about both the challenges and rewards of being a parent. It's something that I didn't address in my post since I don't yet have any experience in that department. I really appreciate hearing the perspectives of people who have "been there, done that" with regard to parenting. I know kids are a game changer, so I'll be interested to see how my priorities shift and evolve if/when we have kids.

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    2. Whoops! I see a bunch of typos in my reply. Sorry for the Smartphone clumsiness!

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  5. J and I live in a very expensive City, so being a stay at home wife/mother just isn't feasible unless one of us got a substantial pay raise! I can completely relate to the not spending enough quality time with the S.O. during the weeknights and weekends spent running errands! J and I are trying to make a better effort of spending more quality time together with each other rather then quantity, even if that means both of us cutting back some time blogging...

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    1. Yes, blogging can be a time-consuming endeavor, as fun as it may be!

      High COL areas can pose quite a challenge. On one hand, the salaries are often higher and there are usually more job opportunities (from my experience, at least). But, I think it's often true that the higher salaries don't completely compensate for the higher COL.

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  6. I must be one of those crazy nutcase working moms who also did girl scouts & makes the kids' costumes to this day. ;) Both my husband (who also works) and I have always been involved in the kids' school, helped them with homework and pulled all-nighters to make sure that class projects were done on time. I have not chaperoned a school trip, but the very idea of being confined to a bus with 40 small children makes me break out into hives, but my husband loves it, so I think it's all good. While sometimes, I think I would love a week to just "be at home," this hasn't been my reality since I was 16 years old and got my first job in high school. Mostly when I have this fantasy, I mainly think of finally being able to do bizarre tasks which are impossible to do when kids are home, like cleaning out from behind the fridge, which hasn't happened since the day we bought it over six years ago.

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    1. CincyCat, you must be Supermom. I'm truly impressed that you're able to fit it all in. You and your husband seem like you make a great team, and I bet your kids feel very lucky. I hope you guys find some time to sleep, too!

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